Well, here I am. I’ve been home in Livermore, Ca for two
weeks now. It’s been an interesting couple of weeks for a few reasons. I’ve
been on hyper speed trying to get everything done for my visa in order to
return to South Africa
in four weeks.
This past weekend I was in Tennessee for my cousin’s college
graduation. I hadn’t seen some of my family in TN for 14 years! That’s way too
long. So, it was a really good time to reconnect and relax. I was really
grateful that my grandparents brought me along.
I’ve also finally been grieving Sarah’s death. It has taken
a long time. I know that people grieve in different ways, but it seemed like
all my other teammates were grieving in much healthier ways than myself. I
hadn’t really been holding everything in; I just didn’t know how to deal
properly.
I’ve been home alone with my thoughts for most of the time
since my return and I’ve been thinking about death a ton. And fear has been
crippling. I keep wondering who will die next. Life is only a breath and each
day is a gift. About a week ago, I was at a friend’s house and I literally had
to pick myself up off the couch and force myself to drive home because I was so
scared to get on the freeway. On some days, driving is much harder than others.
Also not too long ago, my mom was about an hour late coming home from work and
I was sure she was dead on the highway somewhere. But I know these things are
healthy! It means I’m processing.
Last night, my good friend Selena offered to accompany me to
a grief care support group. It was really good. I finally got to talk about the
things that have been plaguing me for the last 5 weeks since Sarah’s death. I
think I’m going to continue going until I leave again for South Africa.
Thanks for following along this missionary’s life.
Don’t ever stop loving.
