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Being broken before the Lord is one of those places that I love to be. There is something so beautiful about it. When we are there, there is no where to go but up, and we are forced to be completely dependent on the Lord. This is where He wants us, and this is when we can thrive.
The last few days I’ve been feeling so broken for many reasons. For one, I came into this trip thinking it was going to be easy. I thought all my experience and my age would help me to dive right in and be comfortable. I guess I expected a walk in the park. Though I am definitely comfortable, I have been highly challenged even just being here for one week. 
Another reason I’m feeling broken is because I love this country and the people in it. My heart aches when I think about their need and the hurt that they are experiencing every day. When I walk downtown, I feel so at home and I keep picturing myself running into the locals at the grocery store and the coffee shop and being able to have a conversation. Maybe I’m just crying tears of joy and compassion at this point. But the biggest reason I am feeling broken is because my world was totally rocked recently. We were discussing our ministry options for this semester as a big group when one of my leaders, Christina, said something profound, or at least to me: You are not here to be the saviour of South Africa. I mean, I guess I knew that, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. Before I came to Africa I really felt like God was turning me into this radical servant and I was going to be hugely effective and step out like never before. This phrase has probably been repeated to us about 4 times since then. I continue to think about it daily. We are here to be supportive and to lend a hand to the ministries already in place. I guess I’m just struggling because I want to make a difference. This life isn’t about me. It’s about the Lord and reaching His world and making disciples. I want to build relationships and I want to get dirty.
I’ve also been doing a lot of planning for myself for the future and I’ve been talking to God a lot about the next few years. One of my leaders, Holly, and I were talking and she encouraged me to think about leading FYM next year. Of course, I’ve already thought about that because it would be so amazing to spend all of my free time in JBay and try to figure out if this is where I would like to end up. God has called me to Africa. Of this I’m sure, but where exactly? I feel like there is just something about SA that has really drawn me in. I remember 3 years ago when I was in Pretoria for something like 4 days thinking, I’ll be back to this country. And here I am.
Lord, continue to lead me. I am seeking your heart, and the things that you love and that break your heart.
